I Don’t Normally Do This Sort of Thing

This story starts out innocently enough as a random happen chance discussion. It was a typical Friday night and my friends and I had gone to South Beach to his up some of the bars. We had decided to stay away from the large clubs simply because it was going to be too expensive for us to go there and it was late in the academic year and most of us had spent much of our money. Unlike a few of our friends, we did not have trust funds. Though, the one of our friends who did was always good to purchase a bottle or two for us when we went down to South Beach.

We stayed at one of the bars for quite a while, just pounding beers and pitchers until we were drunk. We decided on a quick round of shots before we left to go to the next place to hold us over for the cab ride. We got to our bar and Lorenzo was hungry. Instead of heading straight in, he and I walked down the street a block or so to a pizza place to grab a quick bite before going back to the bar where all our friends were.

When we got back to the bar, it was extremely crowded and it took a while to push through the crowd. We had a bunch of mixed drinks and shots, trying to get the buzz back after having eaten. Lorenzo and I started talking to a group of three friends who were undergrads at another school. Two of them were cute but fairly stupid. I have no idea why some men find stupid women attractive. It completely turns me off. So I began ignoring them but still standing there with Lorenzo because he was very much into one of the three. I excused myself to the bathroom. When I came back, they were no longer there.

At some point later in the night, the DJ had turned the music up and started playing rap music from the early 1990s which makes college girls just want to dance. Lorenzo stood up in a booth on the other side of the room and was grinding with the girl he had been talking to. It would have ended like any other typical night with him getting her number and going from there except by the second song, he was really starting to sweat. Now it was warm in there because the front door was wide open, it was very crowded, and so many people were moving, but it was not that hot. We all discovered why he was sweating so much during the next song as Lorenzo doubled over with his hands on his knees and puked on this girls legs and shoes.

She screamed and the crowd all said “ewww” at the exact same moment. Just after that, as I was walking towards him to get his drunk ass up and out of the bar, the bouncers picked him up by his limbs and carried him out, tossing him into the street. I followed them and helped him off the concrete and hailed a cab. We were lucky there were no cops near there because he probably would have been arrested. We got in the cab and went home. Halfway home he wanted to go back but I tried in vain to explain why would could not hang out with those girls for the rest of the night. You will need to commit this name memory. I call her “puke legs” because she appears in a few more stories since Miami is kind of a really big small town.

I dropped Lorenzo at the front door of his apartment. I had no intention of helping him get into bed or out of his puke covered shirt. I got him home and he had to figure the rest out for himself. I went home, mad that my night was ended so I jumped online to look at a few pron sites and rub one out.

It just so happened that when I got home I had forgotten that I had left my computer on when we left so my skype and chat programs were still online. I opened one of the sites to get started but before I could do anything a woman sent me a chat message asking what and how I was doing while we were out. Now if this sounds strange, itis because it absolutely is. I probably could have gone back out there, but I was not going to pay for another cab ride from my apartment nor was I going to drive out there to fight for parking at midnight. If you don’t know Miami Beach, then you have no idea how bad parking can really be.

Now on to why it was strange but entirely real.The reason I had this woman, Donna, on my messenger was simple, I moved down to Miami without very much furniture. When I had time after moving in, I browsed craigslist for furniture and found someone selling a bunch of used, fairly cheap furniture. Her son had moved away for college and while there, he met a girl and got her pregnant. He married her and was living with her and their new baby in an apartment while going to college in the northeast. He had plenty of furniture from his first two years of college and combined with hers, enough to live. So Donna was selling his old furniture, much of which was in storage, for him and giving him the money for the child. Since I bought so much from her over the course of two months, I added her to my contacts, to communicate faster and not rely on leaving her voice mails because she never answered her phone to screen her calls from her ex-husband. So there you go.

Donna asked me how my night had been and I gave her the quick cliffnotes version. To my surprise she was still on. She told me she had gone to dinner with friends and was home now, but not tired enough to go to bed. She asked me what I was doing and I simply told her I was just browsing the net. She, however of the shrewd kind, correctly guessed that I was actually doing something else because it was a Friday night at 11:00pm. She asked if I was on a dirty website. I let her know that she had deduced correctly. She then began to question why I was staying in noting the time and day.

“So why aren’t you going back out and meeting your friends?”

“I’m not really wanting to spend the money on cab rides back out”

“You could go to the bars in Coral Gables”

“Yea not really interested in going by myself”

“Well staying at home and looking at porno sites is not the right way to spend a Friday night”

“You got me there”

“If I were you, I would go somewhere at least. You are in school, you should have fun”

“Yea you’re right about that” “but why are you still at home then”

“Most of the men my age are not interested in a woman their age, they want a woman your age. My ex-husband did, left me for his secretary”

“Oh I didn’t know”

“It’s no problem, I do miss the company sometimes like tonight”

“Yea I could see that” “And you don’t date around or anything”

“I was seeing someone, but that ended” “Now it’s just me and my toys”

It was at this point that I got interested. I had been checking out some videos so I was sporting a chub but I was not doing anything else because of this conversation. The woman had been nice to me about the furniture and I had gotten much from her. We had mentioned porn and dirty websites already, so I decided to throw a line out there to see how she responded. If it went well, I would go further but if not, I would sign out and get back to what I had intended.

“LOL nice! Have you had the toys a while now?”

Immediately, I regretted the question. This was too far. There was no way this could go over well. I should have used a much more conservative approach. I was really nervous about her response because I had been crass and too forward. Then again, maybe I hadn’t.

"I got my first one about 5 years ago. I’m not dead. I am only 43 and still active"

“Nice Im sure that they are very fun”

“It always is with me, but it would be nice to get something real”

At this point, I did not know what to say, in fact I just let her go for a while and did not speak to her as I was trying to find some better videos than what I had been seeing. They were decent enough girls, the action just was just bland. I reviewed our conversation at that point and decided to compliment her as a sort of gesture of kindness, though she was in great shape for 43 years old.

“Bet you are a whole bunch of fun, which is too bad now”

“What do you mean too bad?”

SH*T! My compliment had crashed, I needed to recover.

“Sorry I just mean that it is too bad for me because you look great for 43”

“Thank you. You are very sexy yourself, but I would have never been able to tell you” “Whoa this wine is making me hot”

That’s right, blame the wine. Blame whatever you want. I was a shark and I smelled blood in the water.

“Id love to see that”

“I’ll bet you would”

“Yea I could even help with the toys”

“That would be nice”

“Yea much better than porn because a real woman is always better”

“You are a schmoozer, but I like it”

“So no dates for you recently”

“No, like I said just me and the toys”

“Would be nice to have someone do that for you”

“Yes it would”

“I could help you”

“No, I don’t think that is a good idea”

“Why not? I am well into my 20s and I have been with older women before”

“Well I don’t think I would want to meet someone who I met on the internet” “That’s dangerous you know”

“Yea it probably is but we have met in person”

“That’s true”

“And more than once so I am certain you are trustworthy”

“Thank you” “Still, I’m not sure I would be comfortable”

Damn, I was losing the opportunity. I knew now that one of two things would happen. First, it would go nowhere and it would take forever, if ever, for us to speak again because the conversation would be so awkward. Maybe she could be very mature about all of this, but I would feel weird. Second, this would happen and we would never speak again. I was going for broke and decided to lay it out there.

“We could just hang out and if you did not want anything it would be no problem and I would just leave”

“You’d just come over?”

“Yea I remember where you live” “If you wanted me to leave you could say so” “We don’t have to do anything”

“I do have a movie from Netflix and was going to watch that” “Some company would be nice”

I was in. This was going to happen as long as I was very slow with her, it was going to happen. Best ending possible to what started out as a bad night. I left shortly after that, I called her once I was a few minutes from leaving my apartment so that I did not sound too excited. She said she would be ready with the movie, which I had no intention of watching.

I called her after I parked my car and shut off the lights about ten minutes later and called just to make sure she was still awake and comfortable with me being there. I parked down the street so that I would not raise suspicion and so that I would not be blocked in if I needed to leave. I guess I feared her neighbors were performing a neighborhood watch or something at midnight. Stupid.

I knocked at the door and she answered wearing some sort of workout or yoga pants and a sweatshirt. Donna obviously did not want to give off the vibe that she was looking to get some play, but come on. Who was she kidding? She had already told me about a wild college life and her toys so the fun, college girl inside did not go away, just changed methods. She offered me a beer or wine and I asked for a beer to seem nonchalant. She had already poured her wine and the DVD menu was up on screen. She seemed a bit on edge, so I was not going to be too forward.

I sat on one side of the couch close to an arm rest so I could lean against it. She sat in the middle and pulled a blanket over her legs and put them on the couch. She grabbed a remote and pressed play. It was some movie about the JFK assassination. I was not really all that interested, but had to fake it.

“So is this a documentary or a depiction of what happened?”

“It’s a drama. It has this guy and that guy and this other guy all in it. I have been wanting to see it for a while now."

Wonderful, she is into the movie. She leans back and to my side a little. I lean to the back of the sofa so that we are not as far apart as we had been, but still not very close. She turns to me to ask me if I am into conspiracies and so forth. I told her that I was into history but I did not like it when dramatic depictions glossed over the actual events to make them more to Hollyowood’s liking. She agreed finished her wine. I was fresh out of moves. We had been talking about her toys and now we were discussing a freaking movie? I had to do something. I asked her if she needed a refill because I did and that I needed to go the bathroom.

She showed me the bathroom and I took a minute to figure out my next move. I figured she would be on the couch waiting and I knew that she trusted me because we had gone through 30 minutes of the movie without talking very much. When I came back out, she was on the couch with her head against the back of the sofa. I went into the kitchen and grabbed another beer and thought of a plan. I walked back over to the couch and sat on the same side as before, this time much closer to the center and her.

She pressed play and the movie started back up. I asked her if she was into JFK and she told me she watched a bunch of documentaries on the assassination a while back. I asked her if she knew much of him and she could only repeat things about Jacky Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, and Marilyn Monroe. I reminded her about the cabinet of Camelot, the Cuban Missile Crisis, and his love life. She lit up remembering that she had heard those things before.

“JFK was something of a playboy. Women loved him and he loved them.” I said.

“Well he was very sexy, especially since he was president.” She replied, smiling and looking at me.

I knew this was the time so I leaned in for a kiss. She looked at me for a second and I paused, but then she smile and she accepted. We started kissing quite a bunch and I was well on my way.

I leaned over towards her even more, trying to get her to lay back. It took some scooting into her, but eventually she leaned back. I threw the blanket on the floor and continued. I started to feel her legs and hips, but deliberately taking my time. She started to rub parts of my body as well and then began unbuttoning my shirt. I sat up and took that off and we continued for a few more moments until I suggested we go to her bed.

She complied and turned off the TV and movie. I laid down and she took off her sweatshirt revealing a t-shirt underneath. We continued what we had been doing for a bit more and then I moved to take off my belt and pants. She looked at me and watched me as I did it slowly. When I was finished undoing them, about to slide them off she looked at me and said,” I don’t normally do this sort of thing.”

Yeah right. In college you did and like I said, that person she was did not go away.

I was going to respond that I didn’t either, but she would see right through that. Instead, I said we could stop but she said she did not want to. I think she meant that she didn’t do that sort of thing anymore as she had to stop in college once she got pregnant, but there was no such thing stopping her now. “It’s just that you’re so sexy and I have needed it for a while.”

We continued in a slow but methodical way. I asked her to show me some of her toys and she brought out a couple of dildos and other things. She was already naked so I grabbed one of the dongs. I used it on her as she grabbed the rails of her head board and moaned. After that, I climbed up to the head board and put my dick in her mouth. She sucked for a while, then I went back to using the dildo on her. I then climbed to the foot of the bed to put my cock inside her. She lifter her legs and hips and spread her cheeks to get me to give her anal. After that, she sucked on my cock a little more. The night went well with her getting a very nicely covered chin at the end.

The strangest thing about all of this was that she was not willing to have straight intercourse. We could only do oral, use her toys, have some anal sex, though her ass was not that great. I gave her a good session, and she left plenty of fluid on her sheets from me rubbing and licking her vagina. I hoped that she would give me any more furniture I asked for, but after that night, she never responded to an email or phone call again.

Until this was written, the only two who ever knew we met for this was Donna and myself. I did not even tell Lorenzo to brag the next morning figuring an interlude starting from chatting would be too unbelievable.